NM: Ok, now I'm ready. How would you describe Nifer to someone who does not know her?

BH: Oh man. That's a hard one because Nifer is beautifully complex. She is one of the most passionate people I know. She's incredibly driven. Fearless when it comes to challenges she faces. Incredibly caring and thoughtful. But also, she's the person that if you want something done, you call her. Yeah she's a passionate, fearless woman of faith.

NM: That's awesome.

BH: And super fun.

My name is Ngofeen Mputubwele, and you’re listening to The Power is Out. Portraits of broken, hopeful people. Today's story comes from my friend Nifer. Our paths crossed in Indiana when we were both students at Ball State University. Back in the mid-2000s.

NS: One of my most reticent memories is of sitting in the Atrium with you, and I don't even remember who the other people were. But… when we formed our Facebook group, forget Osama, vote Obama.

NM: Laughs. Oh, man. That was prescient.

NS: That was really progressive.

NM: Yeah, I know, especially central Indiana. 2006-ish. Whatever it was.

NS: I know.

Ooooh, college. Nifer and I had many laughs back then, but it's been a while since we've really caught up. So we did that  recently, and kinda stumbled into this deep conversation that centered around a pretty significant moment in Nifer's life.

NS: I was in college. And someone came to my history class. The professor was up lecturing, and I saw out of the corner of my eye someone come up to the window, and it was my hall director. And they open the door, the professor went over and talked to them quietly, and the professor was like, "Jennifer, you have to go now." And I got my things, and I went into the hallway. And I'm pretty sure it was the hall director, said like, "I got a phone call from your grandmother. Your mom passed away."

I knew it was coming. We decided to take her off of life support, so it wasn't like a total shock. But it was like… you know… that moment.

My mom had a neurological disorder. And it really shaped a lot of my upbringing because she wasn't really able to care for us well. And she just made some decisions because of her illness that put my brother and I in situations that weren't good for us.

And one of those was dating a guy for a few years that Nifer just calls bad news.

NS: I don't know that there was any criminal activity going around, but definitely there was a lot of exposure to things like drugs.

And at an age where we're all pretty impressionable, this man just often left Nifer hanging.

NS: I have vivid memories of waiting… There was a front room in our house, and I'd wait in the front room because we're supposed to go. And my brother would be like, "I mean he may or may not come, like, don't worry about it." Everyone was so casual about it. And then I'd like sit outside in the front yard and wait, and then I'd kinda do balance beams on the curb. Oh, and then I'd wait down the street by the stop sign. You know, just like…

NM: Just waiting from him to show up.

NS: In anticipation… Yeah. Yeah. Just like, well he said he was going to come. So you just sort of learn that the only person you can really count on is yourself. I think I've taught people if something is important to me, I'll make it happen because I don't want to be disappointed by people not showing up.

I was in Brayton-Clevenger. And I think I was on the eighth floor. When you came off the elevator, go straight down the hall, and it was on the left. My room. Just a little, you know, standard dorm room with two twin beds and two old dressers and desks.

So I don't know a lot how I felt. Like I didn't want to go home to Decatur where my Gram was. That felt like I don't know what I would do there. So I stayed at Ball State. But it felt like I just needed to do things and not just sit around.

And immediately they were in my dorm room. I don't even know if I called them. I don't know. I don't remember. But like, Heather Harris was there. And Bridget was there. My friend Laura… just people, they just stopped what they were doing and were there. There was no expectation for me to do anything. People just showed up.

I think it might be one of the only times that I can't remember asking people to help me and they just did. We were all in our late teens/early twenties, and these people because they cared about me, they were dragged into this thing that was so hard. They knew enough. They knew enough about what was going on to know to come in and help me. And be there.

I have no idea what it's like to lose a parent. But I resonate so much with how affecting it is to have people on their own step in when you just can't anymore. I still remember vividly Andrew breaking down and crying with me when I lost a fraternity brother to suicide 10 years ago. He didn't even know the guy, but Andrew cried because I cried, and he knew me. Or Nathan making a 5 hour road trip  to stay with me for a few days when I just wanted to give up completely on law school. Or even just more simply, coming into my apartment after a long night at the office, and hearing Daniel and Bethany call me from their apartment upstairs and saying, "Hey, we made you dinner! Come get it!" Those moments are all so affecting. But yet,

NS: I probably don't live my life in a way that that's super possible anymore now. I set my life up in a way that's like… I'm really busy, I've got lots of friends and lots of different places. I always like to have five groups that I can kind of drop into, but I'm not really a part of any of them. And it's all fear…. I think it's fear of being known and then not wanted. What if it's true that I really… that there isn't a group for me? What if they are no such thing as my kind of people? Man… I think a lot of us, that's all we really want.

NM: Yeah.

NS: …is just to be a part of a community and be loved without having to prove why we should be there.

I decided to call up Bridget… she’s one of the women who was with Nifer in the dorm that day when her mom died. They’re friends to this day, and I wondered how Bridget would respond to Nifer’s question, Nifer's fear of what if there's not a place where you can call home.

BH: Nifer is one of the most passionate people I know. She's incredibly driven. Fearless, incredibly caring and thoughtful. Yeah she's a passionate, fearless woman of faith I would say.

But I don't know if she really realizes it's like… People really want you. People really want you in there lives. And not in like a "if no one can, then I will," but like… people want opportunities to invite her in. I think she's been invited into so many homes to be part of the family, and I think it may feel like it's just an add-on, but I think the more you give them opportunities to show that, the more you see people really genuinely want community with you. They enjoy you and value you. And you add exponentially to people's lives, not just with all the fun things you bring, but also with the hardships that you bring as well. That there is great depth and richness and fellowship with you as a person. So, that's probably what I would say. People love you and want to be around you.

NS: It's really good to catch up. I mean, I didn't hear that much about what's happening in your laugh. But like.. it's been a thousand years.